Sometime in the 1600s, there were the famous Salem witch trials in Massachusetts. But why? You have to ask why, especially if you go to a liberal arts college, because it means you must be learning how to think critically.

Some think that the mold on the Puritans’ bread gave it super hallucinogenic properties. This explains the disturbed behaviors and twitching, oft-mistaken as the effects of a witch’s spell or hex. These people are also the same that today always point out the hidden sexual references in Disney movies and always talk about how high Lewis Carroll must have been when he wrote Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

Even though most scholar types now agree that the Salem witch trials were based on class differences between East Salem and West Salem a lesser known theory argues that the Salem witch trials were the by-products of a society with extreme sexual repression, hence the expression (used here in a sentence): "I’m gonna drown like a Salem witch if I don’t get some action soon."

The Pomona student body should pay special attention to this theory since, we too, live in a sexually repressed society. Wha....?? No! Say it ain’t so, my school isn’t a sex-giver!? Not here!

Sadly, it’s true. Even a school located in a bubble off the 10 Freeway falls victim to the sexual repression of the larger, mainstream society. What else could possibly explain the reluctance of nearly everyone interviewed for this article, including Kathryn J. Hooper ’04, Gilbert Nye ’03, and Lauren B. Smith ’02, to A) speak on the proverbial record; and B) have sex with me? Sexual repression is the only reason why people would make comments like "Don’t quote me. I’m useless," "Don’t drag my name through the mud," and "Am I allowed to approve the final draft."

Jacob "the Haus" Wolman ‘03, currently studying abroad in Scotland, pointed out that since "the student body is so small...everyone is held responsible for their activities to such a degree that spontaneous (and probably questionable) sexual activity is very limited." He then expounded on his valid hypothesis by saying "It’s like you have to be married to someone before it’s appropriate to hook up with them. The only exceptions are drunken one night stands, but those are tragically rare."

Most Pomona students seemed to share the same opinion as Scotland Correspondent Wolman. Mary "Molly" Rorick ’04 unfolded a well thought-out theory from her ol’ sponsor on why some people get zero action and why others have sex, lots.

"They’re either hooking up like little rabbits (i.e. all the freshmen)...or they’re practically married to some significant other." Yet, her definition of the phrase "hooking up," in contrast with Wolman’s use of the phrase, generally meant a non-sexual rendez-vous, equating to "second base/second base–over the top" in the popular baseball-sex analogy. She went on to attribute the lack of promiscuous sex to the idea that "Pomona College students are too well educated to go around doing that, thinking they won’t catch some disease [or pregnancy]."

Aye, there’s the rub, for our college-educated consciences (or superegos, as Herr Sigmund Freud would call them) must give us pause before we even consider gratifying the pure animal urge to reproduce with others through raw, doggy-style sex. So, as long as Pomona continues to admit only the metaphorical cream of the intellectual crop, our sex scene will be forever cursed to bow down in the face of the Jerry Falwell-brand "wholesome American" values force-fed to us since we were in grade-school. Only the French, and other peoples of dubious hygiene and morals, engages in anything other than the missionary postion. This includes butt sex, S&M, and even screaming during orgasm.

On the matter of butt sex, the responses of most interviewees seemed to suggest that they still considered it taboo, like necrophilia or golden showers. In fact, the most positive responses were "I just don’t understand the desire," "If it floats your boat," and "Never really had the desire to try it." To be fair though, these were the only responses to the question of having butt sex. Yet, the general reluctance to butt sex just goes to show how much more work the butt sex industry has to do before it can hope to be competitive with the mouth sex and the vagina sex industries.

While discussion of butt sex was fairly limited, input on the issue of volume of neighbors’ sex was surprisingly strong. For example, Matthew J. Kolsky ’03 admitted that he sometimes wonders what the neighbors think when they (most likely) hear the sex sounds coming from his rooms. Kolsky, who wanted to state that he’s in "full support of drunken sex," can only imagine that listening to others have sex was unpleasant.

Jonathan P. Chock ’04 and Christopher I. Day ’02 can confirm Kolsky’s suspicions, based on their respective experiences last year. Chock suffered through the frequent and very loud cries of "feel me up" and "fuck me harder" that he heard all year while living in Lyon during his freshman year. Keep in mind that Lyon has concrete walls. Concrete! Day could only say "Damn loud. Impressive." about the high decibel sex he heard last year whenever any of three Harwood doors between his airspace and his neighbor’s airspace was left open.

Ethan S. Ganz ’03, our man down under in Australia, endured hearing the "oohs" and "aahs" of his sponsees having sex in Smiley all the time. Although he attempted to alleviate the problem by ceasing to supply them with condoms, the "oohs" and "aahs," plus the creaking of Smiley’s "shitty ass cots" continued. Ganz’s observation that "people who know the walls are thin still have very loud sex...it leads me to believe they want you to hear them, which means that we have quite a few sex maniacs at Pomona."

Maybe it’s the type of sex mania that can only occur after one who has been sexually repressed for so long finally gains some little bit of liberty. So, in conclusion, it is probably okay to have sex, of any kind, here at Pomona and get as much of it as possible before two things happen: 1) you leave the hotbed of hormones that is a residential college; 2) you get so old that you stop producing the hormones that create sexual tension.