Step into the chemistry auditorium. Look around. After you do, ask yourself, "What’s missing here?" Left-handed desks. Studies have shown that the ten percent of the population that is proficient in the use of its left hand is also more proficient in the use of its brain. It is thus logical to assume that left-handed desks would be front and center in an intellectual arena such as the Seaver Chemistry Auditorium.

This is not the case. Rather, southpaws are relegated to ergonomically-unfriendly "righty desks." This places an unnecessary and altogether unfair barrier to lefty learning in the form of a diversion of concentration from focus on the lecture to focus on comfort. Constant shifting is required throughout the class period to avoid the lefty condition known to the medical world as "gluteonarcoleptia" or "right cheek sleep."

Lefties are also subjected to a higher risk of back injury from the prolonged contortion of sitting in a desk designed for the right-handed majority. Some southpaw students have gone as far to consult local attorney Herbert Hafif regarding possible litigation in response to Pomona’s negligence in auditorium design. Still others have sought help from a national support group, the National Federation of Lefthanders.

When told of Pomona’s atrocious treatment of its left-handed students, the NFL (founded 1703: it was their acronym first) wasted no time in issuing a public statement to the effect of "We’re not gonna take it anymore."

Following the initial complaints, the NFL formed a grievance investigation committee to draw up a list of reparations for Pomona’s left-handed student minority and for the greater good of lefthanderdom.

After two weeks of intense scrutiny of Pomona’s campus facilities and organizations, the committee met to draft its list of demands. TSL was offered exclusive coverage of this momentous occasion and given permission to publish some of the ideas discussed at the meeting.

The primary issue raised at the meeting, beyond the catalytic lack of lefthander desks, was the absence of a left-handed peer group on Pomona’s campus. Various outbursts of disgust were thrown about the conference room regarding this injustice, including "unthinkable," "atrocious," and "what a load of crap." The committee then set about planning the foundation of a mentor group for lefthanders. It was concluded that such a group would need its own meeting place, in addition to college funding and 5-C recognition.

It was then decided by the committee that lefthanders had gone too long without public recognition. More ideas were discussed, some of the more popular including a Left-Handed Studies major which would be required to be offered by the college. The courses required for the major would naturally include Lefthander Literature, Righthanded Oppression: A History, and other such classes to be offered by left-handed professors. Furthermore, the 5-C Consortium would be required to observe a National Lefthanders Awareness Month to be held throughout the entire month of August.

In addition to "Lefty Month," the Colleges would be required to recognize as national holidays the birthdays of important left-handed presidents such as Ronald Reagan and George Bush Sr. Twenty-two points, plus triple-word-score, plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game’s over. I’m outta here.

Without on-campus support, however, the lefty cause is dead in the water. Luckily, southpaw students have shown fierce determination in the face of adversity, and despite righty imposed back injuries and lopsided posteriors, have begun the process of making their cause known.

They have also acquired the assistance of Junior Assistant Sub-Dean Seventh Class Josephine Bloggs, who has on several occasions openly stated her support for what she viewed was a "worthwhile and touching cause."

The struggle is likely to be difficult, but as has been mentioned, headway has been made. With students and administrators working hand in hand, it is likely that the wrongs against lefties will be righted. At the very least, the manacles of "righty desks" may finally be broken and lefty chemists might finally enjoy the right to learn without a lack of circulation or improper spinal cord alignment.