So, I was supposed to write this article on bathroom etiquette, but I didn’t have that certain "je ne sais quoi" spark to my writing that my fans have come to know and love. So, I followed the sage advice of a wise one and went back to the basics: I hit the mean sidewalks of Pomona to take it to the peoples.

My original plan was to hide out in random bathrooms all over campus until someone came in to use the facilities. As people opened the door, I was going to take a picture of them with my Olympus D-360L camera, and then, after we shared a hearty laugh over the surprised expression on their faces, I would ask them a few questions about bathroom usage in Pomona residence halls.

Unfortunately, I wound up wasting ten minutes of my life that I’ll never get back waiting for someone to come into a dirty Walker Two bathroom, complete with unflushed toilet. Oh sure, I’m familiar with the maxim "if it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down," but there should be a Roosevelt corollary that says "in the case that there is a rainforest’s worth of floating toilet paper in the bowl, let it go, let it go, let it go."

Anyway, I re-evaluated my line of attack and decided I needed to take a more aggressive approach. I meandered through the hallway, looking for something living to interview. I found an open room door and introduced myself to the occupant. I mentioned that I was researching Pomona-specific bathroom usage. She groaned. My fragile confidence shattered, I timidly asked her why she had groaned.

Danielle V. Grant ‘05 explained that my simple inquiry had brought up a topic near and dear to some other ladies down the hall. Being the hard-hitting investigative journalist that I am, I followed her hot tip down to the room of Rabiya Kassam-Adams ‘04.

A number of students, probably enough to qualify as an illegitimate and suspicious "gathering" in some of our more Thought Police-esque RAs, were more than eager to voice their strong opinions about their bathrooms. "John [L.] Anderson [‘05] pisses all over the floor and the toilet seat," said William E. Lobban-Bean ‘05. The three ladies in the room added that the generally poor manners of all the men with respect to the bathroom resulted in a biblical Exodus of women to the cleaner bathrooms down the hall.

Kassam-Adams’s number one pet peeve about the bathroom was the required use of handles to open and close the bathroom door. "You go to the bathroom a lot, and you need to be able to go in easily and not worry about handles, especially if you’re drunk or really have to go or if your hands are wet," she said.

From Walker, I decided to revisit all the old haunts, something I had not done since I was a lowly "publicity manager", forced to staple flyers on all the bulletin boards on campus. In Smiley Three, I spoke to Eli B. Penberthy ‘05 about the rooms an anonymous Smiley Three resident had labeled "Shissers," cleverly derived from the two root words of Shitters and Pissers. She attributed the lack of any outrageous bathroom stories and the cleanliness of the "shissers" by saying that "Smiley’s pretty tame." Smiley, tame? Hey, you said it sister.

From Smiley, I made the longest trek of my life to the place where it all began in 1999: Mudd-Blaisdell, Mudd SIDE, first floor, back hall. Now home to mostly juniors and seniors, since it was redistricted the year after a pair of sponsor groups made Pomona underground history, the bathroom I checked out smelled horrible. Bi Ji Wong ‘03, my source downtown, told me the bathrooms there were also used solely for #1 and #2. Her main complaint involved tampons, and consequently, I found myself unable to pay attention.

Next, I made the logical choice to visit the three finalists in the category of "Residence Halls on South Campus Named After A Single Dead White Person"–Lyon, Wig, and Harwood. In Lyon, first floor, west SIDE, I was informed by Gabriel O. Cisneros ‘04 that "our bathrooms are strictly business." Sadly, I discovered the glorious single user water closet, as our European friends might say, that was fondly dubbed "The Sanctuary" last year had lost all its personality and had indeed become strictly business. Gone were the piles of magazines and other reading material–an eclectic mix of Time, Newsweek, Sports Illustrated, The Nation, Maxim, FHM, and Islands–contributed by the loving patrons of "The Sanctuary." All that was left of the old magic was a lonely sign put up by housekeeping that reads "Please Flush The Toilet After Each Use."

My visit to Wig Three, South, was very disappointing since the dorm, universally respected as a crazy party place, did not have any wacky bathroom stories to tell me. One bathroom did have a pocket Yahtzee game on the floor next to the toilets. If I didn’t suspect that the Yahtzee game was breeding disease by virtue of its being so close to the toilets, I probably would’ve "borrowed" it. My pit stop in a separate Wig bathroom only solidified my displeasure when I saw a copy of The Collage on the floor instead of a copy of TSL. Has the whole world gone mad?

Hoping to end my trip south on a good note, I visited Harwood Tower, South Central, Wig SIDE to check on a bathroom rumored to produce silly situations like craaaazy. Perry G. Schiro ‘04 and our old buddy from the Lei Party, Gregory B. Palmer ‘04, explained to me the "Rules of Conduct" regulating usage of the one toilet, one shower, one sink bathroom they share with their respective roommates, Ryan A. Takeshita ‘04 and Patrick P. Jagoda ‘04.

The three rules are: 1) Door unlocked for urination, showering, all other miscellaneous bathroom activities; 2) Recommended door unlocked for defecating on the microphone; 3) Door locked for orgies.

The penalties for breaking the rules are severe. When Jagoda locked the door to take a shower earlier this year, he returned to his room to find a cup of foul urine on his desk. Thereafter, Jagoda promised never to lock the door, unwilling to face strike two of what I assume is a "Three Strikes" policy.

All in all, I was sort of disenchanted by the general lack of moxie in today’s bathrooms. Maybe it’s just my "most selective" (as ranked by U.S. News & World Report) memory talking, but people used to tell some great tall tales concerning bathrooms.

Two glorious years ago, I heard talk of a pile of vomit that fermented for some days, eventually morphing into a new uber-vomit with a stench so rank, your momma’s breath paled in comparison.

Even better was when Timothy G. McEvoy ‘02, decided to take a shower while intoxicated and fell asleep with the water running. A short while later, his sponsees discovered his unconscious, naked form and promptly ushered him into his bed.

Only the Harwood tower situation seemed to rival the lore of years past. But I guess I have to chalk it up to being an old man, reminiscing about the past, now out of touch with today’s youngsters.

Ji’s informal bathroom statistics: Number of toilet seats up–50%; Number of bathrooms with reading materials–25%; Number of unflushed toilets–25%; Number of bathrooms with signs of vomiting–zero.