As you may have heard, ASPC is looking for speakers to come to the college, ostensibly to enlighten and entertain us. At the last Senate meeting, such illustrious figures as Spike Lee and Margaret Cho were bandied about and in a recent Digester, pleas were made for us to make use of our affluent Pomona College "ins" to draw the rich and famous (and inherently more interesting). The Digester brief mentioned that "ASPC has $$$ to bring a speaker to campus" which, if I’m not mistaken, means that we have lots of money to spend. Aaaah, the joys of attending a well-endowed private school.

While I’m sure that the ASPC is doing a fabulous job coming up with names and ideas of speakers who would truly change our lives and make us laugh and sob at the same time, I decided to take matters into my own hands and roam the surrounding halls, pencil and paper in hand, to search for what "the people" really want.

My first stop, naturally, was next door. Though the occupants had previously asked me never to darken their doorstep again, I figured that the sheer importance of the question made for a very good exception. I knocked, and someone asked who it was. When I replied, the muffled voice quickly blurted that in fact, nobody was in. So I made pretend footstep noises and caught A***** (names have been changed to protect the innocent, guilty, and just plain dumb. However, I will give you a hint that my neighbor’s name rhymes with Bandrew) as he opened up the door, presumably checking to make sure the coast was clear.

I tormented him for five minutes, even breaking into an interpretive dance of "Kung Fu Fighting." A***** relented and allowed me to ask my "one dumb question" as he so succintly put it. Speechless for about thirty seconds, mouth gaping in such a way that he looked both four and 85 years old at the same time, A***** finally said, "that guy in Roger and Me" which I am taking the liberty of interpreting as Michael Moore, liberal filmmaker and self-avowed muckraker.

Attention ASPC: According to www.michaelmoore.com, Michael Moore’s e-mail address is mmflint@aol.com. Perhaps if we all put him on our buddy lists and sent incessant instant messages, we could appeal to his populist nature and get him to come.

Satisfied with A*****’s answer (and a bit disturbed, after he started singing very passionately along with Led Zeppelin, complete with bizarre arm movements), I then travelled down the hall, looking for any open door that might lead to people willing to talk. Several doors down from A*****, I received the very cool suggestion of Peter Singer, who’s a philosopher. I personally have never heard of Singer before, but I was assured that he is a very famous animal activist who has very controversial ideas. Famous and controversial–definitely two qualities we want any speaker to have.

Across the hall, Jim Carrey was suggested, simply because "he’s Canadian." While the justification was a bit creepy, I do like the idea of having a speaker that does killer impersonations. I don’t know how to contact Mr. Carrey, and I fear that if I delve too deeply into this matter, I will get arrested for stalking again.

Slowly realizing that there are some very strange people in my sponsor group, I decided to venture to the adjacent hall. Inside the first open door, "Fernando" suggested Tiger Woods, "because I am Tiger Woods." A bit confused by his reply, I quickly walked away. The next person I found wasn’t much help–"Ol’ Dirty Bastard, because he’s old, dirty, and a bastard." Unfortunately for my depraved friend, Mr. Russell Jones (or "ODB" to his friends), was sentenced this past July to two to four years in prison for cocaine posession. We may have to wait a while to hear his inspiring words of wisdom.

It may seem like everyone mentioned as a possible speaker is completely inappropriate. I don’t think that’s true. After all, the suggestion of Eleanor Roosevelt did come up. Kind, caring, compassionate, a tireless fighter for human rights and equality–what’s not to like?

Unfortunately, our former First Lady has been dead since 1962, and I doubt that the ASPC would find spending the fees on hiring a psychic particularly do-able or sensible. Though I would like to meet that psychic Miss Cleo who has stunningly insightful and tearjerking infomercials on at 3 in the mornings.

Next door to the idiot very sensitive and caring kid who suggested Eleanor Roosevelt as our speaker, there lives a very nice girl who asked for more time to think about her response. After harassing the rest of her hall, I scampered back, eagerly awaiting her reply. The product of her hours of deliberation was very brief–"I want to meet whoever invented computers…or a leader of a Middle Eastern country."

According to an exhaustive search on Google for "inventor of the computer," I discovered that a one Mr. Edmund C. Berkeley is known as the father of the personal computer. Strangly enough, Berkeley also went by the pseudonym Neil D. MacDonald, so finding him would probably be a bit difficult. In any case, Edmund C. Berkeley/Neil D. MacDonald has been dead, though not as long as Eleanor Roosevelt has–only for the past 13 years.

So, what heartwarming life lessons did I learn while polling my fellow hardworking students? As hard as it is for me to admit, I am happy that none of the people queried have any say whatsoever on who the ASPC eventually chooses.

And if I might add my two cents, I’d like to suggest that we go to any means necessary to lure David Sedaris. Failing to convince him to return from Paris to speak at Pomona, in the words of one of my high-achieving peers, "there’s always your mom."