Pomona College’s September… the smell of academics is back in the air. Like every fall for centuries now, the returning students of Pomona College pass mirthfully through the hallowed gates of our beloved institution, excitement in our gaits and twinkles in our eyes. For newly arriving first-year students, the experience is incredibly promising. So many students, so happy with their decisions to return to Pomona. Could anything be better? As we’ve proven in at least one report, Pomona truly does have the happiest students in the nation. But what is it that makes us such a happy student body?

It is not infrequent for the unofficial Pomona school fight song to be heard echoing from Lawry B3 all the way to Wig Basement as droves of students join together to show their support of the school they love. It resonates through the depths of Clark V, oscillating across the open and inspiring Wash, and evenmaking itself heard in the bowels of the newly built Smith Campus Center. Everywhere, students chant, paying homage to the reason for their satisfaction. At first, the faint call seems weak and uninspired, but as more students chime in and its volume grows in strength, the true happiness of the Pomona students can unmistakably be felt through their revered hymn: "Olé… olé, olé, olé… olé… olé." One cannot help but be moved by the throng of red cup carrying minstrels, their fiery chalices raised high above their heads as they sway in unison, eloquently proclaiming their love for the paradise that is Pomona College.

It is a well known fact amongst any and all returning students that the level of student satisfaction with this school is a simple function of frankly ridiculous amounts of free beer provided for us by law. . .on a very regular basis. Of course, no place else even comes close to comparing to this school. How could the student body not be happy when six out of seven nights a week, a keg of some sort sits legally around, just waiting for students to consume for free? No, indeed, we are not even allowed to pay for alcohol on this campus. To a sane person, this might seem impossible, but to most Pomona students, this is a normal week.

The parties do not seem to stop, weekends are no different than weekdays. Monday nights: Sig Tau. Tuesday nights: Table Manners. Wednesday nights: Kappa Delta. Thursday nights: Symposium and the North Campus Senior Social. And of course, Fridays and Saturdays see a variety of make-shift places across the five colleges. Only on Sunday does this school rest. Most of the week, students rabidly enjoy themselves, dancing with Bacchus and his minions several times, if not more, a week. Now we can even get alcohol with Flex Dollars at the Coop Café. No wonder our students are the happiest in the country…but this may all change very soon.

For several reasons–some very valid–alcohol has become progressively harder to get at campus functions. Seniors this year will remember their freshman year, when, even at parties that charged for entrance, beer flowed like water. But that method of creating a happy student body was removed by Mr. Johnny Law himself and there came a sudden crack down on carding. School IDs were of no concern, however, and the system itself seemed not to care much. For the past few years, our "high tech" mug shots could easily be faked with the help of just scotch tape and a computer printer. Servers did not question their validity, and camp sec had the authority of 19-year-old Claremont High grads because that’s what they were.

This year, however, many students returned to a shocking development: our new ID cards. Without some sort of expensive equipment, the new cards are seemingly impossible to accurately fake. This will undoubtedly lead to a 75% decrease in the level of happiness at Pomona, as nearly all non-seniors are denied their dose of happy each and every night. Now, to the relief of those 21 and older and the dismay of the remainder of the student body only the latter will be able to acquire alcohol for free at school functions. The repercussions may be severe.

What is a night without broken sprinkler heads? What is a weekend without stolen golf carts? For Christ’s sake, what will we do without drunken break-ins at Haldeman? No longer will underclassmen have the chance to establish themselves, as they have in the past and TSL will certainly have far fewer Security Briefs. With the prospect of remaining sober, who is actually going to go to CCLA parties? How will the Rob Whipple’s successor get his chance to emerge as a winner?

Undoubtedly, the near constant state of enjoyment experienced by the students of this school is in some part due to their near constant state of inebriation. If the administration has any intention of maintaining its tradition getting its numbers out there, this one is in severe danger of slipping. How will Pomona College maintain its current #1 position on the happy scale when the element that sets it head and shoulders above its competitors is removed?