Do you understand, finally? Lei’d = laid, as in "to have engaged in coitus." Let there be no doubt in your mind that last Friday’s party, sponsored by the people over at CCLA, was not about a Hawaiian necklace made of flowers. Rather, the issue at hand was sex. Sex, sex, sex, sex.

Oh sure, some people at the Lei Party asked tricky questions in mostly successful attempts to gain as many lei (that’s no misspelling friend, only truth) as possible. They asked me questions like "Did Gilbert Nye ’03 drop out of school or something?" "Aren’t you in my Macro. Theory class?" "Will you stop staring at me?" But these folks were the sane minority in sex-crazed Eversole Courtyard.

The rest of the good people at the party, many of whom were surprisingly from other schools and (gasp!) off-campus, took advantage of this most excellent opportunity to practice "spitting game," with sexy results. From my perch atop the concrete bench right outside Norton Clark room 112–where the players dwell–I surveyed the scene before penciling in my itinerary for the evening.

I then looked down in time to see Joseph A. Aguerrebere ’03 successfully manipulate a luscious kiss from a lovely lady. Unfortunately for all involved, the guy next to her screamed "Hey, that’s my fucking girl!" Sensing a primo journalistic opportunity, I tried to write down the gentleman’s name so I could properly attribute his quote. He chose to remain anonymous and left the party, accompanied by "his" lovely lady.

Shortly thereafter, Izzy A. Smith ’05, who was in my immediate vicinity, asked no one in particular, "Can I get a lei?" No Izzy! It’s just not that easy. Perhaps it’s that sort of naiveté that made Gregory B. Palmer ’04 say "It was fun taking advantage of all the dumb freshmen who didn’t know how to play the game." To all those who are offended, please send any inquiries directly to Mr. Palmer. His box number is 1514 and his extension is 75962, courtesy of the Pomona College website’s directory option.

Just before I embarked on the "10:45: Stumble through the packed crowd at least twice," item of my itinerary, I noticed a lot of people were totally lei-less, which made me mentally and physically guard both of mine all the more. My primitive instincts told me that if you let your defenses down for a split second, you were vulnerable like the proverbial little child with a lollypop. I pitied Shea T. Joachim ’03 when his good friend Andrew Jennings ’02 mercilessly took his very last yellow lei. It is most painful when a lei, which would probably go for five to ten cents (max) on the open market, tears apart a priceless friendship.

Not all lei transfers had to be destructive though. The all-powerful lei brought some people closer together than ever before. I offered to lei a tipsy Sarah M. Myers ’04 if she gave her equally inebriated roommate, Jennifer L. Boyd ’04, a big, wet kiss. They gave each other a measly peck and then demanded not just one, but two...TWO lei. I suggested they try again, this time with some tongue, to make it worth my while. They cursed my name, my beliefs, and my unborn (at least I think so) offspring. That inability to come to some sort of bartering agreement, my non-economist peers, is what we fat cats in the capitalist world call a market failure stemming from negative externalities.

Due to pure lack of motivation, I crossed off the "11:15: Find partially obscured location to take care of nature’s inevitable call," and the "11:20: Throw up in bushes within stone’s throw of party" items on my itinerary. Instead I chose to observe the gradual decline of the shindig from the balcony above the entrance to Eversole. It was from this elevated vantage point that I put the evening’s happenings in perspective.

I looked down at the tiny people who were milling about, obviously looking for someone to bed down with for the night. Out of the corner of my eye, I sensed wild movement. One person was dancing, violently. I scrawled a note about human species and carnal drive with a pen borrowed from my good buddy Travis Evans ’04 who had this to say– "The lei party is unlike any other. I saw straight guys kissing each other — just for the lei."

On a scale from 1-10, with 10 being Carnival in Vladivostok, the Teflon Don gives the Gotta Get Lei’d party his most sincere blessing.

All middle initials are provided courtesy of Pomona College web site’s directory information.