Little people need big people. Like the birds that pick flies off of African water buffalo, it’s a mutually beneficial relationship. The little guy makes the big guy look bigger, and the big guy stops other big guys who want to beat the little guy’s ass.

Growing up, I was a little guy. My first big guy was my neighbor Kyle Chapman who lived up the road. For awhile, he and I were like peas and carrots. We played baseball, soccer, and basketball together, and even learned how to skateboard as a pair. Then, for some reason, we were forced apart. Maybe it was because he went to private school in junior high, or because I flushed concrete mix down his toilet and was consequently exiled from his house. Either way, I was left in the precarious position of a lost little guy with no big guy in sight.

Enter Eric. Eric was all a big guy should be: big, male, and relatively intimidating. He was a perfect fit. We, along with Andrew, a medium guy, were a team all through junior high and high school. When it came time to go to college, big Eric was rejected from the one school he had applied to, so he moved to LA to study acting at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. Since then, big guy Eric Nenninger has scored roles in American Express commercials, "The X-Files," and a recurring role as Cadet Eric in "Malcolm in the Middle."

Recently, I caught Eric on his cell phone to conduct the last of this year’s celebrity interviews for TSL. For those of you who don’t deem Eric worthy of a celebrity interview, I’ll only remind you that Martin Sheen and "The West Wing" ain’t coming back, so quit your whining and be grateful that we could get anyone at all. Damnit.

Man, it’s all good, I’m just on my lunch break eating on some fried fish. What’s up with you?

My favorite show? Hell man, I don’t know. I guess I can’t say "Malcolm in the Middle." Maybe "The Simpsons," or "ER" or something. You’ve seen my TV, it’s not the kind of thing you want to look at for very long. It’s a Sanyo for shit’s sake.

What? I just said I liked "The Simpsons."

Are you interviewing me? You can’t just sneak that by me! What the hell kind of crap is that? I’ve got an agent to deal with this sort of thing.

Isn’t that Tessio from The Godfather? No, I’ve never met him. I did meet Annette Bening once. She’s pretty, like my mom.

I don’t know, but that’s what you’ve told me. I also heard that anyone who asks Jorah Dannenberg ’01 for free food from the COOP between now and graduation will get all hooked up and shit.

I’m Cadet Eric, so that kind of excludes me from any other roles.

Well, Kyle, he’s on TV. I don’t remember your pre-pubescent grill ever being on a TV show, FOX or otherwise. Besides, you look the same now as you did at his age. [TSL Copy Editor Elise Nussbaum ’01 thinks that Frankie looks like Kyle–ed.]

I can’t just rip him out of the wheelchair or I’d have all sorts of civil rights groups on my back. His character is supposed to have asthma, so it’s the directors’ fault more than his. But personally, I think his whole style is played.

There are some editors who have taken either the first or second Quartos, or even the Folio version, and made some pretty drastic changes. I once read a version that had a stage direction for Hamlet to enter unseen before the King and Polonius leave the stage. But to postpone the famous "To be, or not to be" speech until Hamlet is sitting out on some cliff staring at the ocean seems a little suspect.

I’ve been a booby man since day one. I know you fools started doubting me when I thought about quitting football senior year to be in a production of Grease, but wieners aren’t my thing.

I’ve tried to be subtle about it, but I think I’ve got to just straight up tell him that it makes him look like a jackass.

Yeah, my mom. You’ve known her since the fourth grade.

I’ll kick your ass.

College is for nerds and squares. I’ve been to Pomona so I know what kind of weirdos you’ve got running around up there. And you know what? I’m glad I didn’t get into Washington University because now I’m living in LA with a fly girlfriend, driving a respectable 1994 Maxima, and landing roles in commercials, sitcoms, and stage productions. So while all you college types are prepping for your 60-hour-a-week consulting jobs, I’ll be playing ball at the Venice Beach courts thanking God that Wash U’s football team didn’t need me. So don’t give me that holier-than-thou-college-education bullshit.

This has been a horrible experience. Don’t ever call me again.