Softball is quite a misnomer. Having been hit by more than a few, I can vouch that they are anything but soft. Yet, this ball is softer than many other variety of balls, and I would much rather get hit by a "soft" ball than, say, a "bowling" ball or a "wrecking" ball; both of which, I might add, are accurately named. Although, come to think of it, getting hit by either a bowling ball or a wrecking ball would both wreck you and bowl you over, so the names of those two should, by all rights, be interchangeable. However, a Ping-Pong ball or a tennis ball would be much softer, yet these balls are not called "soft" except as an adjective which would describe their hardness, or softness as the case may be. The point, if there is one, which I believe there is not, is that ball nomenclature is relative and that to define any given ball as "soft" serves only to cause confusion if one wishes to describe other balls based on their softness, or hardness, depending on the circumstance.

If such depth of analysis is to be given to softball, I think it only necessary to describe its natural opposite, hardball, which, ironically, has nothing to with balls of any sort, except those attached to equally hard-nosed and hard-assed politicians and/or businessmen. Thus, "hardball" refers to the behavior of an individual in a setting that has nothing to do with sports, except for the rampant cheating, fixed outcomes and hordes of sexually depraved members of both sexes.

The real discussion here, however, is not about any balls but two: the so-called "soft" ball and its male counterpart, the "base" ball equally misnamed, for the ball itself is not a base. But hell, apparently no one gives a shit about accuracy with words anyway, so fuck it. I submit we use words in completely inappropriate and arbitrary ways, as those in the business of naming balls apparently have no qualms about. And let’s use as poor of a grammar as we want to, too.

Perhaps softball and hardball have more to do with gender roles. Softness is most often defined as a feminine trait, whereas hardness is most often associated with masculinity. If men played softball, for example, Babe Ruth would actually have been a babe and Hank Aaron would have been Hanky-pank instead of Hammerin’ Hank. Conversely, if women played hardball, Geraldine Ferraro would be president and Anita Hill would be on the Supreme Court. That would be justice. (The CMC students don’t get that joke. Yes, it is about politics, but it is more of a pun, or "play on words" if you will, than a joke about our governmental system (although the issue of sexual harassment and sexism are deadly serious (hyperbole- no one actually dies (to my knowledge (limited as that is)))), and these so-called puns are taught in less practically oriented departments at schools like Pomona. Although with practice, they might get it eventually. The Mudders have no clue at all, they just see all the parentheses and get excited (order of operations people!) and the Scrippsies are already marching outside TSL HQ because I downplayed the seriousness of these issues).

But this entire article has merely been a pointless semantic argument to make up for the fact that this reporter has absolutely no clue what occurred when Pomona-Pitzer’s softball team played Redlands this weekend and yet is still required to write 800 words on it. How might I fill an article of eight hundred, yes, that’s right, eight hundred words on a subject such as softball? Here is my secret formula: I pointlessly and endlessly debate pointless aspects of the game endlessly, always including two, at least two, adverbs and repeat them twice, at least twice. That way, the spell checker, yes the spell checker, or "spelling verification component" as it would be much, much, much more accurately called, if it were to be called by an accurate name, thinks I have written many, many more words than I actually have. For it actually counts how many words I have written as well.

Accurate use of words, however, seems not to be important to the sport of softball, about which I am yet to say anything meaningful except that one should opt to be hit by a softball rather than a wrecking ball, and that these balls are not, in fact, very soft, except relative to other balls.