This week, TSL sat down with Keck Graduate Institue President Henry Riggs for an informal chat about life, love, and biological technology at the Claremont Colleges.

TSL: President Riggs, how do you respond to the widespread controversy that KGI, the newest Claremont college, has generated among the students and faculty here?

Riggs: Asking me to care about the opinions of student and faculty controversy is like asking me to care about AIDS in Africa. Faculty can suck the ding-dong. And students can slob the ball-sac, you know what I’m saying?

TSL: Um, not really.

Riggs: You’re right, maybe I went too far. Let me restate. The students’ pet protests are really really cute. Like kittens. And the day I got those faculty statements of opposition to our "no tenure" policy, I thought it was SO cute that I took a big shit on it. And you know what? My shit was cute…like a kitten. A "brown" kitten. Get it?

TSL: That’s pretty gross.

Riggs: Yeah, but you know what’s really going to be gross, and also kinda cool? When our KGI Super-Scientists™ come out with the new gene therapy treatment we’re working on.

TSL: What is it going to do?

Riggs: Well, we go in there with gene splicers and we insert a gene for humongous penises, and the next day your cock will be freakin’ gargantuan. Yeah, it’ll be so big that you’ll have to feed your mouth AND your cock. Your dick will be so huge that…

TSL: I think I get the picture. The noble scientific mission of KGI is inspiring.

Riggs: Speaking of pictures, check out this nudie picture I have of CUC CEO Brenda Barham Hill! Nice tits, huh? [produces a nudie picture of Barham Hill]

TSL: Where did you GET that?! [duly noting "nice tits"]

Riggs: Oh, Brenda gave it to me as a little "thank you" gift. Let’s just say that ol’ Henry "Hank" Riggs knows how to go downtown. And when I say "go downtown," I mean "perform cunnalingus." How else do you think that KGI was approved to be the next member of the Claremont Colleges? And I also had to give Prez Stanley a blowjob. Whoa Nelly, was he a happy boy THAT day!

TSL: That’s nice. But I was under the impression that KGI was a legitimate academic insitution. After all, it is a member of the nationally respected Claremont Colleges, which are known for upholding traditional academic ideals. Certainly, they would never approve an institution that would need to weasel its way into our community by means of elicit blowjobs, would they?

Riggs: Are you kidding? They must be dumber than George W. Bush when he was a cocaine-snortin’, drunk drivin’ college kid! After I gave the blowjobs, all I had to do was tell them that we were going to be an "academic" institution (whatever the fuck that means these days). Meanwhile, corporate money is like, coming out of my ass like a green geyser! It’s like I have money diarrhea. I feel like KGI is the goose that lays golden eggs, except instead of golden eggs they’re corporate-sponsored, genetically-engineered money eggs! God damn I love America!

TSL: I guess that says it all.