Brian Andrews began the meeting by welcoming special guest Epi-curious, who was in attendance to review the Senate’s boxed lunches. [Preview: A rating of 0 chef hats for ambiance. The food rating was tabled and referred to subcommittee.] Andrews brought forward a motion to replace J-Board with the Senate. He explained that he had written the motion out of fear that J-Board would not do precisely what Dean of Students Ann Quinley and Special Prosecutor Matt Taylor wanted.

"We are a much better tool for upholding justice than the well-trained and honorable J-Board staff," Andrews explained. "Besides, we already hammered out their punishments at our annual retreat, several months ago."

"But can I be J-Board Chair in addition to our collective conscience?" a proactive Lauren Shawn ’01 enthused.

Andrews then announced his intention to stop attending Math 57, a course required for the completion of PAC 4, so that he would be unable to graduate and could therefore serve another term as Pomona’s president, this time establishing his long desired legacy.

ASPC President-Elect Jake Oken-Berg ’02 quoted several passages from the ASPC Constitution which explained that he was president now. "Fight the power!" Lin encouraged.

Epi-curious gave 5 chef hats for concurrence.

Once again conceeding to Epi-curious’s good taste, Andrews announced he would take post-presidential offices in downtown Pomona. The money for this undertaking will come from the former budget of The Student Life newspaper.

Andrews then approved three so-called "lame duck" resolutions which will severly limit the Senate’s power. They read as follows:

1) In addition to prohibitions on the purchase of alcohol, Senate funds cannot be used for the purpose of Spam.

2) The erection of an Andrews Happy Students Prozac Fund

3) While not a "voting" member of senate, all motions must receive at least three chef hats from Epi-Curious for approval.

Oken-Berg then gave a brief statement of his goals for next year.

"I want to have cohesive Senate that responds to sudent concerns," he said. "And if you ever need to talk to the man at the top, Mayor Jake will always have one ear open."

Oken-Berg went on to introduce plans for streamlined public transportation, umbrellas for the poor, and a new arena for the struggling Trailblazers.

Environmental Affairs Commissioner Pam Grewal noted that she is feeling much less bothered by long and boring meetings since having been chosen as a head sponsor.

"If any of you experience any emotional problems from missing Senate after you term is over, feel free to come talk to me anytime," she said as she glanced at Andrews. "You’re all winners in my book!"

Andrews then introduced the Reverend Jesse Jackson, who Communications Commissioner Harry Ou ’01 had invited to the meeting. However, Andrews explained that since Jackson was not on the agenda, he would not be allowed to speak. Adam Rick motioned for a forml vote not to let Jackson speak, since he was not on the agenda. "If we let Jesse Jackson speak, just because Harry invited him, does that mean we have to listen to all of Harry’s friends, whenever he gosh darned wants us to?" Harry seconded the motion, adding that, as far as he remembered, he had certainly never spoken to Jackson about the issue. As Jackson grew notably angry, Ou told him that he was overreacting. Jackson walked out, smiling gleefully, to his hot air balloon on Walker Beach. He flew up, up and away in his beautiful balloon.

The next item on the agenda was brought up by Vice President Ellen Lin ’01. Lin questioned, "Why do we talk at public senate meetings, when all those secret awesome meetings in Brian’s room were so much better?" Many other senators agreed with Lin, saying that speaking their mind in a public forum was really too much for them, and that they found Epi-Curious, in the words of Rick, "kinda freaky." Oken-Berg noted how hard it was to "uh, make up, like, some stuff to say–what’s those called? Quotes? Yeah, them. I hate to do them in public." A motion was passed and the senators agreed that while they would continue to act as they have at senate meetings, deliberating about nothing and coming up with weak conclusions, they would only actually do those things decided upon behind closed doors. Krispy Kremes were ordered, and Sports Commissioner Nick Grudin ’01 took off his shirt. And then his pants. "Wow!" exclaimed Andrews.

Freshman Class President Mike Rush, after stating, "I don’t know any seniors at all!" continued, "We deserve first dibs on all the graduation tickets! We’re the senate, we work hard, much harder than those dumb parents do!" A motion was passed unanimously that senate members would get all of the graduation tickets they needed, and a special meeting with Ben Harper, who fucking rocks. All of the extra tickets were determined to go to Neil Gerard and his 1,220,240 children now graduating from Amherst.

Grayson Shaffer announced that he had a date with Hillary Ross ’01. "You’re shittin me!" said Epi-Curious, who gave it ten chefs hats for sexual tension.