In a secret memo to Dean of Students Ann Quinley, Dean of Being an Asshole Hans Palmer, and now-Acting Chair of Politics Betsy Crighton, which "accidentally" fell into the hands of T "do you even read this?" SL, President Peter Stanley announced the firing of Politics Professor John Seery. (And he’s gay, it said).

"I told you bastards that they discriminate," Stan Gaines said.

The memo came just after Seery’s Last "I don’t give a fuck" lecture, Wednesday at noon in the Frank Blue Room. (In which,he hinted gayness).

"No one is fired," Stanley said. "There was only a glitch …which has been fixed. Truly, it was out of my bloody hands, truly."

"Puck Fomona," Seery was noted as muttering in his All You Ever Wanted to Know About America Ever class Wednesday afternoon. "I mean, the males at least." (Seery is not gay, but he does talk more than anyone else, even in his "discussion" classes).

"I can’t believe he called me pusillanimous," Mary K. Coffey said. "I mean, what does that even mean?"

"[Seery’s speech took] the last step. He crossed the line," Palmer said (when he wasn’t in his office, where he never is, where I see him when his secretary tells me he’s not there). "He’s taken himself from Troublemaker to Fired. I mean, who can excuse rudeness?"

Seery’s speech consisted primarily of a calling students to action: "Speak out… Stand out. ..Come out," he urged. "But not me. Because I am Not-Gay."

Stanley and other administrators found such action unacceptable. "Seery is fired!," Stanley’s hand puppet said. "No he’s not!," claimed his secretary. The puppet was put away. His office is also in Alexander. He goes to lunch wearing dark glasses and carrying a briefcase, followed by protesting students. And no, he is not on the agenda for the next Rubber Stamp Meeting Faculty Meeting.

Seery opened his last speech by saying he is "a catcher, not a pitcher," the validity of which was corroborated by administration officials. Palmer said, "That’s the truth. The Executors ComTittie wants to pluck Seery as hard as possible. We think Kneel’s got a way to get the Smith Campus Center, a known football player, to do it."

The administration’s contradictory statements about the Seery incident have increased speculation among community members, some of whom believe that Seery was terminated due to his involvement with the Lesbian Counteroffensive. Others believe it is really all a complicated plot to satisfy Seery’s Campus Center fetishes.

In related concerns, Arden Reed is now, "under investigation," according to that sneaky administrative type who tells us stuff. "No, he’s not," Stanley said. Stanley can "suck it," Reed said.

As for future plans, Seery expects to find work at Amherst. "I once had a professor from there," Seery said (many many times). "He too, wasn’t gay. Though I expect he’ll hire me, like those professors from Stanford did."