Alas, my faithful readers, I am a quitter. As of this week, my column will no longer be solely about music. Mostly this is because I haven’t been listening to or thinking about music for about a month now. While some of you may have argued that I had nothing of interest to say from the start, I am now in agreement with you.

What is the new-and-improved TPOCIGR all about? Stuff I like. No more pandering to the critics who look for cohesion in my thoughts. No more pandering to the readers who look for entertainment and information. No more complaining about how orchestras playing classical music are glorified cover bands. From now on, I’m only writing columns that could be written after a whole bottle of champagne. Or Table Manners. Or The Boot. Or 46-ounce margaritas at Don Jose. Or darts at the Blackwatch. Or dinner with my parents. Onward.

This week I dispel or verify stories about Pomona College in a column entitled: "My Favorite Urban Legends Of Pomona College And Their Respective Likelihoods Of Truth."

Myth #1: Prometheus used to have a penis. Pomona’s trustees were offended by Orozco’s bull-like masculinity and attempted to cover the member with fig-leaves, loin-cloths, boxer-shorts, and pants. When women started eating in Frary, the penis was entirely erased, rendering our 30-foot tall man who gave us fire a eunuch.

Likelihood of truth: on a scale of one to whatever, I give this a two. While our trustees most likely are a bunch of prudes, there is no evidence of the erasure (which I surely would have found after researching this for about five minutes). There are no photographs of a gendered Prometheus (even in super-old yearbooks and TSL’s) and none of Orozco’s other nudes have penises.

Myth #2: President Stanley is buried in the walls of the Smith Campus Center and has been replaced by a stiff-backed, protest-busting robot from Detroit.

Likelihood of truth: six out of seven. The Campus Center’s walls are clearly grave-width,

and the current president is, indeed, a stiff-backed protest-buster. Of course, the UAW has done a fairly good job of keeping robots out of Detroit, so "he" may also be from Russia.

Myth #3: One of my suitemate’s fathers was Class of ‘72. When he was a student, he and a buddy used a water balloon launcher to shoot a bag of human feces through some kid’s window in Smiley. The kid quit the school next week.

Likelihood of truth: Absolutely, one-hundred percent True American Heroism! This definitely happened. The same dad also had a friend who climbed the Smith Tower in a drunken stupor.

Myth #4: In the past, Pomona students had more fun.

Likelihood of truth: Pomona wasn’t always the number five school in the country, for whatever that’s worth.

Myth #5: Pomona’s sports teams used to be known as the Huns. Come the War to End All Wars, being the Huns was no longer so desirable. Our forward-thinking administration decided to let the students choose a new name. So, for one hour (when the administration decided "Hens" was a good idea), we were the Pomona College Flaming Owls of Death.

Likelihood of truth: Zero. First, Pomona’s administration is "forward-thinking"? HAHAHA!! Second, Pomona students would never be cool enough to name our teams the Flaming Owls of Death. Third, I’ve researched this for years and have never found a mention of the Flaming Owls. Further, Hun, Hen, Sage Hen, Sage-Hen, and Sagehen are all used simultaneously in issues of TSL from 1917 and 1918 (about the same time that Pomona’s all-conference center dropped the nickname, "The Kaiser"). The true origin of both Huns and Sagehens is unknown, but it’s probably a very dull story.

Myth #6: My dad is a doctor and strictly regulated my diet for my whole life. When I came to college, I got scurvy just to spite him.

Likelihood of truth: Bliz-am!

Myth #7: There is a tunnel that runs from Eversole Courtyard all the way to south campus.

Likelihood of truth: I’ve seen it with my own eyes! Lift up that manhole cover and check it out for yourself. Or break into Frary some night and find it in the basement.

Myth #8: Mufti.

Likelihood of truth: Ask David Tuohy, Nora Lawrence, Michael Lieberman, Nick Grudin, Brian Andrews, your sponsor, Dean Quinley, and Thomas Pynchon.

Myth #9: Rage Against the Machine played at Harwood Halloween "the year before I got here."

Likelihood of truth: On a scale of an empty plate to a full Irish meal, I give this butter.

Myth #10: Somebody saw Snoop Dogg sitting on the steps in front of "The Coldest Beer in Town" on Foothill.

Likelihood of truth: 100-1 (a high payoff, but too unpredictable for the exotics). Snoop is too busy getting spotted at Taco Bell, Blockbuster, and Wig Beach to drink 40s. Plus, who drinks 40s? If he was truly hip, he’d be all about the Cris.

Myth #11: Kissing the bust of Eli P. Norton in Norton-Clark is good luck.

Likelihood of truth: Perhaps. The first day I did this my intramural basketball team won a game, but then I got dumped by my girlfriend. Since then I have lost money in Vegas, gotten lucky breaks on tests, run out of laundry detergent, and gotten a cool Virgin of Guadalupe baseball hat. You be the judge!

Myth #12: The Harvey Mudd beer machine.

Likelihood of truth: 12 beers out of 12! I went there once and it was awesome! I typed in a combination and got into this closet, where they had a Coke machine filled with (get this) BEER. For fifty cents you could get a cheaper brew or you could take a step up and get a premium for a dollar. Everybody’s a winner with HMC!

There you have it, one dozen tales of lore involving Pomona College. And I didn’t even get to the toll-road from Claremont to San Francisco or the Pomona College-owned casino in Vegas (known as "UNLV"). Write me an e-mail or something and I can tell you more about all of these.