It was a great day in 500 BC, when the mighty Caesar declared himself emperor of the world after sacking Greece and punishing the Huns and the French. Then the Greeks tracked down and slayed the last remaining dinosaurs, ensuring that no longer would animals be taller than trees. Except giraffes, which were not introduced to popular culture until the mid-70s, thanks to NASA technology and generous support from viewers like you.

There was no one who commanded more respect and more admiration than the great Caesar. He truly was the Tom Petty of yesteryear, free falling, freeeeee faaallllling. I imagine if Caesar were alive today he would perform on a big stage and have production value almost as high as that of Nelly, who is truly the Tom Petty of our modern age.

Nelly performed a free show on Thursday, February 22 at the University of Southern California, the Pomona College of Southern California. It was the best show ever. Forever ever? Forever ever!

He opened up with Country Grammar, played ten minutes of songs I didn’t know (I used this time to think about cars, and just how fast they can really go), and then closed with that other song that I know but isn’t Country Grammar. And, poof, he disappeared from whence he came, like watching a video of a birth backwards…I never enjoyed that my father watched my birth backwards, all the time, eating popcorn, weeping like a child. But, man, Nelly was great. You know what else was also great? When I went to bathroom at USC I found these things written on the wall:

1. A smiley face.

2. A cartoon of a frog sticking out its tongue with a trail of boogers coming out of its nose.

3. A pot leaf.

4. The words "lessons learned in school" underneath what appears to be a carrot.

5. A high-heeled shoe with the words "tango fever" written underneath it.

6. 420.

Then we went to a bar, drank, and talked about how great Nelly was, especially those two songs. I was like "man, Nelly was great, especially those two songs." My friend Mike was like "do you know why they call police trucks Paddy Wagons? It is because in the early part of the century it was used to round up all the drunken rioting Irish people, aka ‘Paddies.’

One thing I hear a lot is young people discussing with their friends how ‘Irished’ they were the night before. Here’s one recent conversation I overheard at the mall the other day, between two teenagers discussing the events of the night before:

"TEENAGER ONE: Dude, I was totally Irished last night! I drank like 2 pints of fuckin’ Jack and then I pounded two 40s. I was totally breakin’ shit and fuckin’ shit up. It was awesome!

"TEENAGER TWO: Yeah dude, I was fuckin’ totally Micked last night too. I was like punchin’ people in the neck and shit, smashin’ shit and grabbin’ girls’ boobs. Holy shit! I was fucked up!

"At this point the teens gave each other high fives, and bumped their chests together, proud of the havoc they had wrecked the night before. ‘Paddywagon,’ ‘Irished,’ ‘Micked,’ ‘Potato (as in ‘you are to poor to afford to eat anything except fucking potatoes all day you fucking Tatoe-assed Mick!’),’- all of these hateful terms are still used in day to day speech and no one seems to care. Why doesn’t anyone stand up against this sort of hatemongering?