Last Thursday, on a terribly lonesome night alone with an eighth of vodka, I convinced myself that there are some things in life that just are not supposed to happen. For one, I will never get a girlfriend, no matter my efforts. A Green Party candidate will never be president. And most of all, the East will not beat the West in the NBA All-Star game this year. I whispered these over and over. Accept it, I said. It’s a fact.

Time, and what I assume to be a very drunk god, has once again proven me wrong, which is not to say my Valentine’s Day was spent with Meg Ryan. Rather, those sandlot kids everyone forgot about in the East stole a game from the Big Bad West, showcasing in the last two minutes what is perhaps some of the most exciting basketball to ever grace the All-Star game.

Picture this: Kobe hits a short jumper to give the West a 106-105 lead. On the next possession he hits a 20 footer to up the ante to 108-105. Stephon Marbury answers with a three to tie the game and Bryant, never to be outdone, hits another 20 footer to take the lead.

Then Marbury, never to be outdone by someone who will never be outdone (did you all get that?), responds with his second three. Kobe tries to win the game but he passes (that is not a typo) to the ever-reliable Tim Duncan who shot was blocked by Vince Carter (also not a typo), and that was all she wrote.

Now, after the thrilling 111-110 victory, many sports commentators (mostly just stupid people), ranted about how this "was the kind of game that might stop people dismissing the East as far weaker than the West."

Now, you’re probably picking up rocks at this point asking me who the hell would say such things. You would be right to, but I could not tell you.

According to NBA.com, the "Associated Press" offered that outlandish remark, which means it could have been Bill Walton for all you know, the man who knows too little.

But if anything, the All-Star game has certainly taught us that times-are-certainly-a-changin’, as my grandmother used to say (usually with a stick in hand).

Do you want to know the significance of the East winning? It means that people have stopped caring. Circus-folk, country-folk, good ol’ people like you and me, and most disappointingly, the players. The East did not win because they were better. They won because the West just stopped caring.

Boasting a 95-74 point lead, the West, from what I could tell, simply decided to start playing another sport on national televison, possibly football. Eventually, after creatively displaying 101 ways to turn the ball over, the West found themselves standing toe-to-toe with the playground midget, leading by only one.

It was embarrassing to watch. Remember that kid you always used to beat up in elementary school? Well, picture him five feet taller with a basketball.

Now, most of you are slowly backing away and telling me to loosen up and put the gun down. It is just an All-Star game, after all. If anything, it is just meant for a good laugh. Blowing a twenty-one point lead for no money is no big deal.

But it is a big deal. It is symbolic of a generation of players who do not care to play amongst their best peers. As Ron Borges of MSNBC intimates, "For some of these guys, being picked to play in the All-Star game is like being sent to the detention center, not the attention center."

Yeah, a bit corny but with some truth. Back in the day, Magic and Jordan used to giggle like little school girls at the thought of playing alongside the best in their class. Now, Kobe tells his mom that he’s not feeling too peachy and if she could notify the NBA that he will not be going to class on Sunday.

Perhaps the only one really excited to be there on Sunday was Marbury. And good for him.

The rest of All-Star weekend was far worse.

First the abomination of Two-Ball. This pathetic attempt at publicizing the WNBA fails because it lacks the challenge of the most basic of playground games. There is no defense and certainly most WNBA and NBA players have no difficulty hitting jumpshots. The least they should have done was set up a game of H-O-R-S-E.

The three-point contest? Ray Allen won with a total of 16 shots for 19 points, edging Peja Stojakovic who had 17 points. Those are not necessarily proud figures to boast, but I will leave that alone. The matter here is the rest of the contestants. The next five places were Dirk Nowitzki with 17 points, Pat Garrity with 15 points, Steve Nash with 14 points, and Rashard Lewis with 12 points. If you can tell me what teams those players represented, I will give you five dollars (flex, of course).

The dunk contest was even worse, as Desmond Mason edged DeShawn Stevenson and Baron Davis to win the once-coveted competition. Quentin Richardson, Corey Maggette, and Jonathon Bender also displayed their acrobatic skills. Only college hoops fans will recognize any names. If they were to ask to join the dunk contest ten years ago, the commissioner would personally laugh at them, point to their rooms, and suggest another sport.

Remember the good old days when Michael Jordon and Dominique Wilkins would square off? When kids with cable were the coolest at school because they would report back the following Monday on the details of All-Star weekend? Everyone would gather around and listen to the gossip like middle-aged women.

Gone are those days. Welcome to the mid-life crisis.