It’s Friday night and I’m lampin’ in the cut at the restolla when I get a phone call from my man DJ Cockswell. Now Cockswell is always up on the hot shit, so when he tells me he knows about the bumpin’ party and that it’s gonna be "off the hizzle for shizzle my nizzle," of course I know that this joint’s gonna be no hoe, so I jump in the whip and hit the freeway.

You can’t stunt without a stuntastic auto, so naturally my ride is pimp. As usual, I was testing its musculature by going 40 miles over the limit. I had just entered the wack-ass city of Glendale when I see these blazing high-beams in the mirror and I know the man’s ‘bout to be up in my shit.

I pull over and this li’l oinklet, henceforth referred to as Officer Playa Hater, slithers up to the side of the vehicular. He’s got his hand on his burner, ‘cause you can tell just by looking that Sammy Scrimp ain’t nuthin’ to f**k wit. He clearly respected my hardacity, but ol’ Playa Hater still gets me out on the pavement and starts giving me the harassment package. I figured I’d try to reason with Sir Oinks-A-Lot, so I switched to my pirate tactics and growled at him, "arggh, ye know I’ve got mine ship on dubs, matey," but playboy, you know how them coppers like to do, tryin’ put some charges of reckless driving on me. Reckless my ass. Maybe I was driving a bit pimpaliciously, but them charges are still faker than cubic zirconium on a silver plated chain.

Now it’s two months later and I’m down at the courts for my arraignment. I figure I’d do it proper like, so I show up fully kitted out. My earrings were trillion cut, my suit had ground effects. I was definitely keeping the courtroom hot.

I gets up in front of the judge, and I’m ‘bout to start tryin’ to plead my case and shit, when he tells me there’s no record of the ticket. Damn right, I clearly have the Cali justice system on lock. So my advice to you, loyal readers, is: do whatever you damn well please out on the highway, since the CHP is a bunch a no game having, wannabe ballas with na’n skills and na’n ice. Feel meh?