A room is like an unopened bottle of whiskey: full of adventurous possibilities, some good, some bad. But when all is said and done, there will be stories to tell, and a twelve-step program.

1. Get to know the spirit, or aura, as it were. A spiritual advisor or meditation can be helpful to bring you closer to understanding your room, her needs and her desires. Have a séance to discover the past escapades your room has had with her previous occupants–you don’t want to sleep with her if you don’t know where she’s been. When you sleep in your room, you’re sleeping with everyone who has slept in her before.

2. Decide the function of your room. Do you want her to be a place where you can study, socialize, or contribute to the illegal trafficking of narcotics? As we are writing this on Valentine’s Day, we can only imagine the other splendors to be unlocked by cozy quarters.

3. Plan the placement of furniture to accentuate the more attractive features of your room. Vertical furniture is not a good idea; horizontal furniture, however, brings out the true beauty of a room–long couches, comfy chairs, etc. Your new room is characteristic of a new you, so drop last year’s exhausted furniture fashions and try something new.

4. A forgotten floor can ruin the potential of a room. Leaving it bare can allow for easy clean-up, but consider adding character with small rugs or a carpet. A cold and uninviting floor limits your horizontal fun to the bed, a minus for all parties involved (or so we hear).

5. Consider the mood of your room and how that translates into lighting. Bright lights are good for studying, but in those quiet moments, they exhaust your eyes. Make your room versatile with varying lights to illuminate every moment. Know where the switches are for quick and easy adjustment, depending on who stops by.

6. Define yourself and your room by what you hang on the walls. Arrange your favorite posters to flow around the room and stimulate visitors. Play with the colors, sizes, moods and messages of wall decorations to express yourself, and to bring out all the dimensions of your room.

7. An audio system is fundamental to a room. Let her walls exude the proper music, and your room will like you for it. Place your speakers carefully to fill the room with sound. A sound system is important for any entertaining you may want to do.

8. Food is an important consideration in making your room home. Not just a place to sleep, your room is a place to partake of all pleasurable activities. Stock up on snacks, treats and all your favorite items of consumption.

9. Your room is almost ready, and now you can add all those personal touches like plants, stuffed armadillos, books, or whatever tickles your fancy. Make your room as unique as she can be, and add something to let her stand out.

10. The bed is a crucial place in your room. Take special notice of your bed–satin sheets, fluffy pillows, ropes and poles. Don’t let your bed be a boring place, spice it up to maximize your comfort while you sleep or lay.

11. Every room needs a special stashing spot. Carve out a niche in your room to store anything you don’t want housekeeping to see when they come in. For easy access to whatever you may need to stash, make sure your storage spot is near your bed to avoid awkwardness in the heat of the moment.

12. Your room is complete, except for that inflatable Dean Quinley doll (complete with red shoes) to keep you company and keep you focused while you work. Your storage spot is ideal for keeping it out of the way when you need to.