Like Bud Bowl and the instant replay before it, the premier of the XFL might revolutionize sports in America. Imagine: what if we made all of our sports needlessly dangerous and sensationalistic? Sports could compete with reality based television in prime time, and Jesse Ventura could become the next Bob Costas. Listen: your average American sports fan is sick and tired of athletes earning their inflated salaries by not sacrificing and exploiting the one commodity that they can sell their bodies. With that in mind, I’ve compiled a list of suggested changes for America’s sports leagues to consider if they wish to remain financially solvent.

Excepting NASCAR, baseball is America’s most boring sport, and it employs A-Rod, America’s most overpaid athlete. The most obvious change that would spice up baseball is a slip and slide between third base and home plate. That’s not to say that a hurdle between first and second base wouldn’t add a demension of challenge to the game. Though Mo Vaughn and Cecil Fielder might have to stop at first base, (Even on homeruns. What would they call them then? "They" being Jesse Ventura.) Another great change to baseball would involve digging a 20 foot trench where the warning track currently begins. It would be filled with water and stocked with the dangerous water creature of the home team’s choice. Florida might fill it with Marlins. And fans in the outfield might even be able to Marlin fish during the game. For a price, of course. Unlike Florida, I would fill the trench with electric eels if I owned a major league baseball team. They would power the outfield lights during night games. Baseball should also get rid of the designated hitter. I mean, what does the game have if not its purity?

Basketball is currently America’s best sport. That’s not to say that it couldn’t use some improvement. Instead of fouling out after five fouls, players should have to chug a beer after every additional foul. Technical fouls would have the same penalty. Ambulances would stand by whenever Rasheed Wallace came to town.

Remember when the puck glowed? That was a bad idea, and not because they were thinking too "outside the rink" but because they weren’t thinking far enough outside the rink. An ideal hockey puck would grow fists and kick some ass every time, say, icing was called. But we’re not living in some sort of icy dream world, where snow fairies come around and walk our pet penguins while we sip our Zima. What we are living in is a world where the puck could occassionally explode, after which a mandatory fight would ensue to assess blame for the exploding puck. I suppose the blame would really lie with me, but we’d overlook that for entertainment’s sake.

The main problem with soccer is that they don’t use their hands. Hence, a ridiculous lack of scoring. I’d like to see you score a lot in a sport with only half of your major appendages. Beyond the use of one’s hands, soccer could benefit from a hardy dose of Rock ‘N’ Roll. If by Rock ‘N’ Roll you mean that instead of the goalies wearing special jerseys they wear Kiss masks. They have to get some offsetting advantage.

As Robin Williams pointed out in his standup routine A Night at the Met, golf would be a lot more interesting if all the golfers were on cocaine. "Look in the hole, there might be a snake, look in the hole." As Robin Williams didn’t point out, golf would also be a lot more interesting if the golfers were blindfolded. Kinky!

One more thing that would make all sports a lot better is if Bill Walton did not announce any of them, and if Dennis Miller announced all of them. Sports leagues: just do it!