Retired rich bastards in plaid pants and goofy hats, pimply-faced caddies dragging around their equipment, kissing their wrinkled old feet and begging for loose change…is this your image of golf? Well, this isn’t your grandma’s golf course. This is Division 3 Men’s Golf. This is Eastlake Country Club, home of the infamous Point Loma Invitational. It was upon this course that a small group of highly trained, no-shit-from-no-one Pomona Pitzer athletes decided to pitch their collective tent and await the looming confrontation. There were others, however, who sought to steal the Sagehens’ thunder, notably the University of Redlands, where schoolwork is a myth, and local whipping boy CMS, where each athlete is assigned a harem of eunuch nerds to do the work. Our beloved Sagehens, however, remained undaunted.

Despite a bench-clearing brawl after a disputed call on the seventh hole, the match was for the most part without bloodshed…for the most part. More on this later.

As implied above, golf scores are inversely proportional to IQ, thus accounting for the Redlands’ team score of 589 strokes to carry the day and the Stags combined score of 619. Pomona finished with 640 strokes, enough to earn them the dubious distinction of a twelfth place finish.

Leading scorers for the Sagehens were Luc "May the Force Be With You" Schuster ’02 and "Win Ben Hochstein’s Money" ’04, both with combined scores of 153. RG "Man-among-men-alac" ’02 also contributed with 165 strokes.

An exciting, non-Pomona-based playoff was forced when Master’s College’s Ryan "I like to get Highton before the match" and Redland’s Jordan "I have no nickname" Bailey tied after 36 holes with totals of 143. However, Highton lived up to his name, and after disappearing into the woods for a brief stint, came back looking bleary-eyed but reinvigorated. He then put No Nickname Bailey to shame and secured for himself individual glory, the selfish bastard.

After the match, a mildly intoxicated (12-16 beers) TSL sports reporter accosted the Sagehen Shuttle and told the players to "stroke it less often." Other advice included "going back to the golf course to work on their putts." Coach Lorn Foster disagreed, arguing the team was in fact "very solid." The team disembarked from the Shuttle and proceeded to kick the shit out of the drunken journalist, demonstrating a level of intensity and thoroughness that was sorely lacking on the golf course.

Oh, where art thou Tim McEvoy? Thy presence be missed by thy mates. Thy presence be sorely missed indeed. Missed. Indeed. Coach Foster agreed, exclaiming, "The team will miss Junior [Tim] Mc[Evoy]." He will be missed. Indeed. Due to the absence of McEvoy, whose presence will be missed, the team relied heavily on freshmen. In addition to Hochman, other freshman up and comers include Joe Gill, Drew Staniewski and Darik Eaton from Pitzer, none of whom have nicknames and more importantly, none of whom are Tim McEvoy. To misquote Leslie Gore of T-neck, NJ, "Ooooh Timmy Mac, when are you coming back? Timmy, Timmy…"

Future Golf matches include a trip to Torrey Pines Golf Course, home of the Buick Invitational, and several other golf courses with similarly cliched names that host tournaments sponsored by various other products of conspicuous mass consumption.