Everybody knows that if you want to be cool, you’ve got to be extreme. Sure, it’s not bad to be a jock, hippie, nerd, or even a DJ. But as the media makes painfully obvious, if you want to have all the friends, get laid every night, and make the loot, you gotta be extreme. Feel me?

Problem is, being extreme isn’t quite as simple as it used to be. Back in the day all you had to do was hop on a skateboard or mountain bike and fools would be like, "Gosh, that’s ex-tremely dangerous!"

These days, that shit doesn’t fly. We’ve got kids from Harvey Mudd bombing Mills Road late at night without thinking twice. I’ve seen Dean Quinley ollie the 12 stairs in Smith Campus Center wearing no shoes in the rain. And it’s not only skateboarding that’s become conventional. Everybody and their mom seems to rock-climb these days. Snowboarding? My eighty-year-old grandmother snowboards, and she only has one functional leg. Even washed up running backs Lawrence Phillips and Rasham Salaam are extreme by association with the XFL. To put it simply, things done changed.

So, what was once extreme is now blasé, and what once aroused the adrenal gland now lulls us to sleep. This can’t go on for much longer. Eventually Michael Eisner and his fellow network executives will see their ratings slipping and search for the next crazy sport. There’s a corporate pot of gold awaiting whoever comes up with the next wave of extremities, and it’s time for some revolutionaries to step up and lead our extreme culture into the 21st century.

The creation of new extreme sports is actually a lot easier than it first sounds. Basically, there are two steps. First of all, you’ve got to come up with a dangerous activity. Where there’s no chance of maiming or death, there’s no chance of corporate sponsorship. Secondly, you have to implement all sorts of jargon so you can communicate with fellow extremists. A good rule of thumb is the stupider and more contrived a phrase is, the more extreme. For instance, "dyno" is a really extreme way of saying "jumping for a rock." You get the point.

Many of you may be thinking, "Gosh, Kyle, that sure sounds x-citing. But where am I, John Q. Normal, supposed to get my extreme on?"

True, the geriatric bubble that is Claremont isn’t exactly a mecca of extreme sports. However, our town’s perpetual lameness doesn’t mean we have to comply. There are infinite possibilities for extreme activities right here at our very own Claremont Colleges.

Below are four newly founded extreme sports that originate right here in Claremont. Everyone is encouraged (not by The Student Life, mind you) to try them on for size. They all involve some degree of danger, and each has infinite possibilities for jargon development. It should be warned that TSL will not be held responsible for beatings or judicial action that may result from participation in the following extreme activities.

Hippies can be a dangerous group if given reason. And certainly, the support of scientific progress is reason enough for anyone to get a beat-down. The best time to practice this extreme activity is during one of the plentiful rallies or sit-ins that the dirty hippies organize to oppose the ethical atrocity that is Keck.

So, go to one of the anti-Keck events and be as offensive as possible. Good things to yell include, but are not limited to, "I hate you goddamned hippies! Why don’t you shower?" or, "Environment? Up yours!"

The danger level during this extreme activity is relatively low, considering hippies can’t chase after you very well in Birkenstocks.

Like hippies, the brothers of the fraternal order of Kappa Delta are prone to violent outbursts when given adequate cause. And no cause is more adequate than the droppage of water balloons on them during their weekly meetings.

The key is to catch them when they leave the safe confines of their social room to urinate. Often, rather than resorting to an actual toilet, the bros will utilize the walkway outside their social room for their tinkles. Seniors Jorah Dannenberg, John Matson, and Dylan Nachand all have spectacular rooms for water balloon-dropping.

There’s nothing less extreme than those godforsaken rollerblade-scooter contraptions. As if rollerblading weren’t un-extreme enough, now people have a handlebar and brake to better maintain safe control.

The only way to counter this lameness is to steal the scooters in the most extreme way possible. The run-by grabbing, a basic maneuver, is out-extremed by the ever-popular scooter jacking. In this move, a participant creeps up on a scooterer real stealth-like, and surprises him with something like, "Gimme da scooter, sucka!"

Razor stealing is one of the more difficult activities on our list because the scooters are very handy and conveniently stow in a target’s backpack or European carry-all.

This one’s a doozy. The basic premise is simple: hunt down all of the fountains at the Claremont Colleges and, well, pee in them. What most participants don’t realize, however, is just how many freakin’ fountains there are at the colleges. I counted four at Pomona, three or so at CMC, and God knows how many more elsewhere. Of course, to pee in all the fountains, one will have to consume enormous amounts of liquid. Beer works well.

All danger stems from the fact that Campus Safety frowns on public urination, especially in fountains. No matter how much and how slowly you explain that the chlorine kills any bacteria urine may foster, the pesky officers will go to great lengths to catch fountain hunters.

There you have it. Four activities, none of which are related to any current extreme activity, that could very well be exploited by NBCand/or ESPN and/or Fox Sports in the future. Feel free to use the above activities as stepping stones for your own extreme pursuits. Go forth and sprinkle your extreme paint on the canvas that is the Claremont Colleges.