Are you in the market for a cheap Valentine gift? If so, then you are in luck, because I need to make some fast cash to pay for my court-ordered visits to the "brain doctor." Please call x74710 if you are interested in any of the following goods or services:

– Blood. Give the gift of blood! I do not know what my type is, so I cannot in good conscience ask for more than $3.99 per pint, or three pints for ten dollars. How many pints of blood does the human body hold? Give me a call, and we will find out together. Please bring your own bucket.

– For 50 cents I will give your special lady or gentleman an equally special Valentine’s Day haircut. Styles include "Raggedy Ann," "Raggedy Andy," and "John the Baptist." I have never worked with scissors in any formal capacity, but I have been practicing on this piece of paper that I will not show you.

– Diamonds! Rubies! Precious sapphires! Beautiful gem-studded jewelry! Fancy finger ornaments of all shapes and sizes! Pay me five dollars and I will stand beneath your loved one’s window shouting about rings for hours and hours and hours until he or she does not ever want to hear about jewelry again. I can also shout over the phone.

– For ten dollars, I will throw up on you. I do not know why you would want that to happen, or what it would have to do with Valentine’s Day, but I am not here to ask questions.

– For one dollar, I will tie the object of your affection to the Metrolink tracks, enabling you to rescue him or her in the nick of time, Perils of Pauline-style. Did I say I would do it for a dollar? I will do it for free. Please ask me to.

– Did somebody say "singing telegram?" Hat jemand "das singende Telegram" gesagt? Well, I am saying it now. Achtung, Romeo! For $2.50 I will serenade your lover on the harmonica, which looks pretty easy to play. Have you ever seen one of those things? They’re like kazoos! I am also willing to sing. "Louie Louie" or Todd Rundgren’s "We Gotta Get You a Woman": take your pick.