Last November The Student Life offered to give the student who made the most accurate election predictions five dollars and a picture of an elderly person sitting on a couch. We were unable to conclude this contest in a timely fashion, however, because we did not find out who the goddamn president was until the last issue of the paper had already gone to press. Also, I forgot the password to the Hotmail account, so I could not access the entries. In retrospect I should have set a more helpful password hint than "you are mush," but I have learned my lesson, and I believe the country has, too. The lesson is: I am president now! Time for snacks! Shut up! I’m the boss of you? Where are the snacks? At?

Here are a few of the questions we asked:

– Who will win: Gore or Bush?

– Rogan or Schiff?

– Clinton or Lazio?

Here is a sampling of the answers we received:

– George Bush George Bush George Bush George Bush Georgie Bushie Bush George George George is in the Bush Bush Bushedy Bush Bush Gorge-Bush

– mush!

– only the penitent man shall pass. Only the penitent man. Penitent. Penitent. Aargh. INDY! Only the penitent.

– "Dear Dr. Old"

– you am a legitimate businessman now. Stop putting eyeliner on my grandmothers.

Mikey Gaertner Two Sagehens: high on winning, and from smoking lots of illegal drugs.

Technically, of course, all of those answers were sent in by me. I was supposed to be writing a philosophy paper at the time but had given up in favor of typing letters to the phone company with my eyes closed. ("deR paETEC," the letter read. "qgy sn’t tiy xine icwe gwew adn nake nt eighteen do;;ars>." I do not remember whether I mailed it in, but since November I have been getting a lot more phone calls from fax machines and people in Mexico.) The only entry we got that was not sent in by me came from Matt Muller ’03, who got every answer right. Most of them right. I don’t remember the answers anymore. Plus I forgot to give him the picture of the elderly person. He was pretty happy to get the five bucks, though.

TSL: So. How about Bush, huh?

MATT: Yeah. How about that?

TSL: Yeah. Um…I like your black light.

MATT: I was pretty sure about everything but Bush, and I figured if I picked him, at least I’d get five bucks.

Matt: if you are reading this, please do not use The Student Life’s money to buy a "nickel bag."