It all started a little over a month ago. "I've had the most incredible dream!" exclaimed John. And it was true. And the course of our financial and spiritual lives were changed forever. Omitting certain gruesome details, the dream involved a horse of the two-headed variety, a lot of gambling, and a backwards-talking German midget. "We have to go to the track!" yelled John. A quick glance at our credit ratings confirmed it-we did indeed have to go to the track. So we went.

The first step in our long journey tourney toward prosperity was to find a track with horses (one- or two-headed) on which to wager. A quick perusal of the internet revealed that racing in Pomona occurs only during the fair, racing in Pasadena occurs only in the hours when it's not okay to be drunk, and racing in Los Alamitos occurs very close to Long Beach. Done.

After a perfect afternoon of disc golf (see: "Frisbee Golf, Free Fun for Hungover Hens" TSL 11/10), we hopped on the 605 freeway and headed south through Monrovia (where my Monrovia riders at? Woo Woo!) to Katella Avenue. A few short miles of surface streets later we were greeted by the expansive parking lot of the Los Alamitos Race Track. We decided to save all of our money for the win bet on the first two-headed horse we encountered, so we elected to park in the general parking section. The extra 150-yard walk took us through the premium lot ($3) and the preferred lot ($8), and gave us time to reminisce about our days as poor college students, as well as to contemplate our futures as high rollers. Jorah wanted a big shiny car. John wanted to open an orphanage. We both wanted to run a stable that specialized in breeding two-headed horses. You've got to give something back.

Having paid our $3 admission, we had to throw more of our precious capital away on a $3 racing program. A necessary investment, but this put us in a $9 hole, and we had yet to place a bet. After cashing in for $20 in vouchers, we were finally ready to "play the ponies." Eight races later, John was down 25 cents, while Jorah was out $20. A surprisingly enthused walk back to the car confirmed that we'd be back, with a little more knowledge and a lot more money.

After a few half-hearted attempts to research the proper manner for equestrian gambling (the "for dummies" series of books does not include a horse racing volume) we decided that the only way to go about becoming better bettors was to keep plugging away at the track. So we went back again. And again. And again. And now, we've got it down to a science. A very precise, expensive science. So for those of you who don't like the idea of some crummy job and would rather not be burdened by hundreds of thousands of dollars in student debt, what follows is a fool-proof guide on how to choose winning horses.

Step One: Go to the paddock. The paddock, for all you rookies, is the area where horses are saddled and jockeyed before the race. There are a few obvious things to look for. Check to make sure any horse you consider betting on has four legs. Look at musculature. You want explosive, fast muscles, not bulky, slow muscles. Jorah made this mistake when he bet on a thick-as-mud stallion solely because "it looked like Jerome Bettis." The paddock is also a good place to get a feel for a horse's attitude. Does he want to win? Watch to see if the horse defecates. Horses that are lighter are horses that run faster. If the horse is a stud, check its package. (Do this discretely, some horses are modest.) You don't have to be a genius or even a horse expert to gain an edge down in the paddock. Compared to the bourgeoisie sipping their Tom Collins' up in the clubhouse, you're on the inside.

Step Two: Read your program. The program includes such valuable information as the names and numbers of the horses, vital stats of their past races, career stats of the jockeys and trainers, and the drugs the horses take. Unfortunately, no mention is made of the drugs the jockeys take to get that "I'm 120 pounds and don't sleep much" look. Look to see how your horse (you should have picked one in the paddock, dummy!) compares to its competition in this race. Warning! The program also includes picks by so-called experts. Ignore these at all costs. If they were really experts, they'd be professional gamblers like us, not professional program writers. Duh!

Step Three: Watch The Odds. It's okay to bet the favorite horse, but never bet on a horse that is coming off at even money or better. Why bother? You're in this to get rich, after all. The important thing to remember is that odds are calculated based upon how people are betting, not based on how good the horses are. Odds change over time. Informed bettors, like us, usually make their bets late in the game, with only a few minutes to post time, so this is when it's important to pay attention.

Step Four: Place Your Bet. This is the moment you've been waiting for. Bets are no longer placed face to face with another human being, but with a computer touch screen instead. If the impersonality of the system disturbs you, feel free to address the computer as if it were a person. Greet it. Thank it. We do, and we never lose. Often times, one will be struck with an overwhelming urge to completely ignore steps one through three and make an entirely different bet at this point. Go With It! This is called your gut, and it is a professional gambler's best friend.

Every time that we have gone to the track, one of us has come very close to breaking even. It's only a matter of time before we start to win. And so will you. So get on the bandwagon now, before the Los Alamitos Race Track is bankrupt, and we're in the Bahamas, sipping Bacardi and Cokes through Red Vines.