We hate vegans at Pomona College. They are a savage people who wear goat heads and dance around under the light of a heathen moon. This is why we have formed the Pomona College Anti-Vegan Conspiracy of Clubs and Events (PCAVCCE) to keep these meddling, unsanitary vegans from feeling as if they are a part of this campus. The Consortium ranges far and wide, comprising factions from the five colleges to participate in its valiant mission.

The year began on a high note, thanks to O-Comm, Pomona's orientation committee. In the interest of nipping in the bud the growing vegan movement, we convinced O-Comm to order submarine sandwiches for the incoming first-years at their very first meal here at Pomona. Under our supervision, O-Comm wisely ordered a vegetarian option, a veggie sub with cheese. We believe that this sent a clear message to our new students that vegans aren't welcome here.

As our next step in preventing incoming students from straying toward wretched veganism, we went straight to the top: President Stanley's barbecue. Barbecues are not for the likes of those blasphemous vegans. Let them eat salad. And let them wonder if the dressing (which was tossed with the salad, not on the side) contains parmesan cheese and whey. While other students were welcomed to the best on-campus meal they would even enjoy for a long time, those picky infiltrators were left to starve and wish they'd brought a Clif Bar.

Since we don't want vegans studying here, we next went to the heart of the matter, academics, in our quest to rid this campus of "those deviants." Even vegans must declare a major, and by excluding them from every departmental function possible, they may become so discouraged that they'll leave us be. Therefore, we have gone to each academic department, specifically requesting that they let those vegans starve. We have been received warmly, with the "not-in-my-backyard" attitude. Most every department responded by saying that they did not object to vegans on campus, as long as they stayed out of that department's way. A little apathy goes a long way around here, doesn't it?

Hosts and tour guides should not be vegan, as this might convey to prospective students that these people are accepted here at Pomona College. The admissions office has been instrumental in helping with this task. Any vegan in attendance at the host/tour guide barbecue was left with fruit salad as his or her sole source of nourishment. We believe that if prospective students are not exposed to veganism when they visit the school, those who are vegans will consider keeping their wretched ways off of our campus when they make their decisions on which college to attend. In this way, we will continue to keep Pomona as vegan-free as possible.

Even in the event that we cannot keep the vegans off of our campus, we can still keep them from being fed while on it. Although the dining halls feel a need to at least create the impression of being responsive to these uncivilized people, we have retained the aid of the Coop Store and the Coop Fountain in promoting our cause. Although the Coop Store already carries a few products that just happen to be vegan, they have done an admirable job in refusing to cave in and offer a greater selection of these terrible, terrible foods, despite the pressures put on them by the anti-meat-and-anti-dairy masses. And the Fountain has promised to offer numerous vegetarian options drenched in cheese, and thus unacceptable for vegans, sending them on often fruitless searches elsewhere.

Finally, we have begun working with the numerous clubs on campus that produce study breaks, in an eventual attempt to get all study breaks to be non-vegan. This is difficult, as there are numerous groups on campus; nevertheless, many of them are complying with the Consortium's wishes and now provide food only for those who are not members of this unsightly group. In the future, we hope to get each and every organization on campus to comply with our wishes; however, some of these groups have been infiltrated by supporters of vegan cause and thus, conquering them remains the most difficult part of our operation. Nonetheless, we feel we are doing an admirable job on the study-break front.

In the future, we are considering Anti-Vegan Awareness campaigns, alerting those who are unaware of the vast corruption caused by these vegan people, but for now, the Consortium feels it is doing a brilliant job of starving these vegans out of feeling welcome here at Pomona.