Once my life was bleak. Bleak like shale, and purposeless. Now it’s still kind of purposeless, but somewhat less bleak-like. By the grace of aimless websurfing, I have seen the light and received ordination as a minister of the Universal Life Church (ULC). The Universal Life Church is based in Modesto, CA, and was founded in 1959. Its primary religious tenet is the freedom of religion, and like Unitarians (and not so much like Mormons), its members believe that all religious views can coexist with their practices. The ULC explains, "We believe everyone is already a member of the church and is just not aware of it yet." ULC’s fun and educational websites, www.ulc.org and www.ulc.net, explain the foundations of its religion and provide a variety of useful spiritual services. Anyone can be ordained as a ULC minister online by filling out a short application and submitting it to the ULC. The questions aren’t really all that hard, and there’s no essay. Turn-around is pretty quick, and depending on your connection speed, you can, within minutes, get to marryin’, buryin’, blessin’, prayin’, and confessin’. Seriously. You can also confess online, filling out a short, confidential confession form describing your sin and indicating whether or not you have forgiven yourself. A comforting, pre-fab response results, forgiving your sin and explaining that you should try to resist temptation in the future. Online chat with ULC ministers is available for those extra-heavy sins that require extra-special confessing. You can help donate chow to starving kids by clicking on a "help hungry kids/view advertising" button, and best of all you can read about the epic history of ULC since its founding. The ULC online library records, among other things, the colorful history of the ULC’s founding father, Reverend Kirby J. Hensley. The Rev. Hensley, who originally conceived of the church as a mail-order system, was at first dismissed as a con man and taken to court for granting phony Doctor of Divinity (D.D., $20) and Ph.D. in Divinity ($100) degrees. Despite making comments on 60 Minutes to the effect of, "Yeah, I’m a con man," and "Ooooo wheee...This is mining. This is gold mining. It’s surprising what money will do for you," the Rev. Hensley won his case on appeal and now basks in shiny holy light as the head of a world wide church with over 5 million ordained ministers. At the present time Rev. Hensley refers to himself in the plural ("Did you know that we have had more lawsuits than any other man in this country? Did you know that we have been jailed in California, Arizona, and more?"), but he’s still my boy and I’ve got his back. Other products available online include subscriptions to the ULC news ($10/year), an official ULC news press pass, "This car is on official business," window shields for your Jeebus-mobile, The Universal Book (explains legal, tax and philosophical questions about the church), wedding certificates, affirmation of love certificates (for those complicated situations that aren’t quite marriage), and birth certificates. In addition to the D.D. and PH.D. Divinity degrees, the ULC also sells degrees of Doctor of Metaphysics ("the invisible within the physical", $30), Doctor of Religious Science ($35), Doctor of Motivation ($20), Doctor of Universal Life ($20), Doctor of Immortality ($25), Masters in Religion, and the Soul Clinic Course ($100). The ULC sells books as well, like Rev. Kirby J. Hensley’s version of the Bible. I’m not in it for the reading, though; I’m more about the tending the flock side. If anybody wants to get married, first sober up, and tomorrow morning call me up and I’ll see what I can do. ULC doesn’t actually provide any guidelines on procedures or rituals, as that would contradict the rugged individualism of the faith, but I’ve been working on some stuff with Saltines, wine-in-a-box and that song "Jesus is just all right with me." I’ll bless beer for a 12 oz. donation (Hooch, Tequiza, and Wine Coolers need not apply, for they are of Satan). If you, too, want to join me and Kirby in helping people realize "a fuller life for everyone," just get online and get started or call me up and I’ll make up some kind of initiation procedure. Good day to you all and God bless.