There’s a scene in Real Genius (filmed at Pomona, mainly in a basement hallway in Thatcher as far as I can tell) where college senior Chris Knight sits down with his freshman roommate Mitch and dispenses some worldly advice.

After catching this flick, I was looking around on the internet and came across a thumbnail gallery of Curtis Armstrong pictures. You know, the guy who gives John Cusack grief counseling and ski instructions in Better Off Dead. ("Suicide is never the answer, little trouper. And dying when you’re not really sick is really sick, you know. Really!" Bells ringing?)

Needless to say, all of this put me in a drunkest-guy-at-the-wedding, advice-dispensing kind of mood. So I took the liberty of putting together a list. Here it is– The Top Four Quotes I’ve Heard This Month and How You, Pomona College Student, Can Apply Them To Your Daily Life. Drum roll, please.

4. "I don’t accept the choices."

The other night I dusted off my copy of dramedy/Christian Slater vehicle Kuffs. (Yeah, I went through a Christian Slater infatuation phase, roughly three years after other people’s Christian Slater infatuation phase ended.)

The film has enough highlights to merit its own article, but there’s one in particular that struck me as I was watching it again, just as it stood out to me when I’d been first in line at the box office opening night in ’92.

The scene: Newbie cop George Kuffs (C.S.) is standing on the roof of a parking garage, surrounded by heavily armed members of a crime ring unparalleled in evilness. Their leader steps forward and launches into a "give us the briefcase or die, Kuffs," type of speech.

Kuffs pants out some heavy breaths (he’s been running… fleeing, really) casts a quick glance toward the San Francisco skyline, then faces the black bearded desperado. Looking him dead in the eye, he shrugs, "I don’t accept the choices."

Great line. I’d recommend committing it to memory. Chances are it’ll come in handy. You don’t even have to say it aloud. Just having it in mind when you’re in any situation that requires breaking the binaries will do.

3. "If you’d been through what I’ve been through, you wouldn’t have that haircut."

You know what they say about assuming? It’s true. Almost every time I assume something negative about someone or thing and act accordingly, I end up wishing I hadn’t. And being on the receiving end of such assumptions is equally unpleasant.

Case in point–I was walking with a relative at a mall the other day when this older woman came up to us, and, addressing my relative, said with contempt, "If you’d been through what I’ve been through, you wouldn’t have that haircut." My relative, a female, had recently shaved her head, and her hair was just beginning to come back in.

The reasoning behind the woman’s verbal attack was probably interesting. An image whose preservation, for one reason or another, meant a great deal to her was being compromised in the name of (what she perceived as) a thoughtless, youthful trend.

I anticipated an equally valid reply from my relative, who a.) would be the first to advocate that youth culture is not thoughtless, and b.) is going through chemotherapy, causing her to lose her hair.

Unfortunately, she didn’t even have the chance to say, "Well, if you’d been through what I’ve been through, you would have this haircut." The woman didn’t wait for a reply, just walked away as abruptly as she’d come.

In other words, there was no asking going on here, only telling. What might have been an interesting, meaningful exchange never came about. I try to keep things like this in mind in order to avoid making similar mistakes, and thought you might find it relevant as well. 2. "If you can’t take things with a sense of humor, you might as well give up now."

This one comes from my dad. I know you’ve heard it a lot, but I still throw it around when I can. I think it’s important. 1. "Stop smiling, you smiling whore!"

I was doing the red-eye at Denny’s the other night when this old guy slowly approached me. He was looking right at me, and kind of had the aura of a wise elder about him (see, this is what I get for assuming), so I thought maybe he was going to dispense a bit of wisdom.

Thinking it would be polite, I smiled at him as he reached me. At which point he bent over the table and rasped, "Stop smiling, you smiling whore!" Then he left. I haven’t found an application for this one yet, but can’t deny that it’s oddly catchy. Keep it around for a rainy day.