Security Briefs
Compiled by David Roth and Dan Check

Cowboys: On Steel Horses They Ride
On April 6 at 0146 officers found two occupied vehicles in the Seaver Theater Lot. The man in the first vehicle said that he was playing guitar at the Greek Theater and decided to sleep a while before heading home. The second man said he was visiting friends. Both were advised to leave and did so.
Where Does it Stop, ARAMARK?
On April 6 at 1503 staff reported that a workers car parked in the Frary lot had been keyed.
Let the Cursing Team
Practice in Peace
On April 7 at 0137 a student reported that two male students were shouting obscenities at each other for half an hour at the Athern Field. When officers responded, they saw two quiet males entering Clark I.
Who Cares? Now, a Dog or a Goat Climbing a Tree! Thats News, Son!
On April 7 at 1722 a student reported that his/her cat had climbed a tree at the Sontag Greek Theater. Maintenance was notified.
The English Department
was Consulted to Define
the Word "Ballard"
On April 7 at 1732 Staff reported that a ballard (a post like the one that prevents people from driving up College Way past Bridges) was missing on the walkway outside of Raines.
Revenge of the Taunted Guy
On April 8 at 0221 A student reported that a window at the main entrance of Harwood had been smashed. The 6" x 14" window pane had been broken from the outside. The RA was paged and security patrols were increased.
Let the Motherfucker Burn, Like So Many
Neutered Prometheii
On April 8 at 0026 an expelled fire extinguisher was discovered outside of Frary.
Transition Yo Ass From
Here to There, Babe
On April 8 at 0155 a woman was found sleeping on a bench outside Seaver Theatre. She explained that she was going through some transitions. The responding officers asked her to leave.
The Taunted Guy Wont Quit
On April 8 at 2330 staff reported that the window to the Frary bathroom had been broken and the screen removed.
You Fuck With the Bull,
You Get the Horns
On April 9 at 0429 a female student reported a male sitting in the Frary fountain. Officers found the male, who was unresponsive and covered in dirt and leaves. He was identified as a Pomona student. After vomiting, he was escorted home by the RA.
Fuck it, no One is Going to get the Margot Kidder Joke
On April 9 at 1129 staff reported a coherent white female near the Smith Campus Center telling people she was the heir to a petroleum fortune. She also claimed to be the daughter of Marilyn Monroe and Howard Hughes. She told officers that she had been sent to see the AIDS Quilt. She was asked to leave and complied.
Leave the Students Alone, Neil
On April 9 at 1205 an unknown person with a moustache was reported for harassing students near Marston Quad. Campus Safety was unable to locate him.
Drunk at the Pool, Not Funny. Drunk in the Pool, Not Funny. Drunk, Covered in Dirt, Better.
On April 9 at 1626 a coach reported that spectators at the Haldeman pool had open containers of alcohol. Campus Safety responded, and the students, after being informed of the open container policy, left the pool.
You Fuck With a Chicken,
You Get the Eggs
On April 10 at 0954 staff discovered a car that had been thoroughly egged in the Lowry parking lot. They contacted the owner who declined to file a police report, as the eggs washed off.
Two Words. Well, One Word: Fuckenays. Two Words?
On April 11 at 1601 staff reported that someone had crashed through a ballard near Honnold Library. The ballard was launched with enough force to irreparably damage the nearby book drop box into which it crashed.
You Fuck with the Community, you get the Backpack Stolen
On April 11 at 1931 staff at Raines called Campus Safety to notify them that she had asked five to ten off campus subjects to leave the gym because they were not students, and therefore had no right to use the facilities. Staff called Campus Safety because after asking the people to leave she noticed that her backpack had been stolen.
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